Well today I'm going to be a little vulnerable with my feelings and thoughts. For a few months now I've had this overwhelming feeling of unfulfillment. I haven't quite pinpointed the area of my life that is unfulfilled but I do have a few clues. I hate that I feel this way because I am blessed beyond measure. If God didn't do anything else for me I should be content because He's done so much. I guess it's just human nature to want fulfillment. So let's dive in shall we....* inhales deeply and slowly blows out*
Biological clock......
Boy that ticking time bomb is a mess isn't it. Lol. It's almost like others can hear it tic tocking as well because the questions begin. What irritates me is when people are shocked that I'm almost 30 without kids like I'm some type of animal exhibit. Please stop worrying what's going on in my lady parts and let me live and be great! Or my all time favorite question, " well what are you waiting fuh?" Ummm maybe a suitable husband and father. I'm not trying to be any man's baby momma. I've seen too many of my friends and even my sister have to deal with baby daddy drama and I. AIN'T. BOUT. THAT. LIFE! I thank God for protecting my ovaries during my short marriage because to have to deal with that foolishness for LIFE?!?! THANK YOU JESUS!!! Anywho, by now I thought I would've been married and just about done having children. I'm thankful that my family doesn't give me the" you're not getting any younger" speech. I guess too because they have 3 grandchildren with one on the way, there isn't much pressure on me. But can I be open a minute.... like I really can't wait to start a family. I think giving birth is one of God's greatest gifts. I can't wait to have mini me's * the Griffin/Williams genes are strong baby lol* I can also admit that I am a bit envious of my friends that have kids but I'm thankful that God has allowed me to be a Tee Tee and God Mother to so many wonder kids.
Career.....
I love my job! I would do my job for free if I had to but thank you Lord for the pay lo. A part of me, however, feels a little emptiness. How and why you ask? Well...for one I'm not really working in the field that I got a PhD in. Let's rewind a little here. I obtained a PhD in Chemistry in 2009. I'm not sure how I ended up in Chemistry and what my exact goals were but I did it. This mere fact is why I'm in the predicament that I'm in. I didn't really plan for my future. I kind of just went with wind. If the door opened, I walked right through it. What sucks is that for my current career I didn't have to get a PhD or I could have gotten a PhD in my field and this unfulfillment feeling wouldn't be here. I wanted to do research for a government lab upon graduation but because I graduated in the height of the recession that was a no go, so I opted for the post doc route to academia. I did my post doc of U of Michigan. This is where I learned quickly that the academia life is not for me! The stress, the politics, the eat, breathe, sleep writing grants and research was not what I wanted for my life. I believe in living life and having a family so no this is not conducive to my personal goals. There I was in a city that I hated, a post doc that I hated, and no real direction. For the first time in my life, I made a decision of myself. I wrote down what I wanted to do and came across my current career. I researched the requirements and ended up having to go back to school...bleh. Well I did it and here I am. But I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss the research academia world. I miss the lab and the conferences and the many many trips. I miss presenting my research and interacting with fellow Chemist. So what am I to do? At some point in my life, I would like to get back into research. To do research in my current field would be so clutch. So I guess I'll figure out how to make that happen as well. Secondly, It doesn't help either that I work the 3rd shift, which at first was kosher but now....Lord I'm getting too old for this lol. But again, I'm thankful to even have a job in this economy so I make the best of it all.
Relationships....
Well as I've written before I have a new love in my life and I couldn't be happier. It's the healing process of a divorce though...I don't know how people divorce so much. The emotional roller coaster it takes you on is so not worth it. If I could do it all over again, I would've let my ex go when God told me to. Even though I've moved on, the pain of it all still lingers. I'm having to reprogram myself from the dysfunction that was my marriage. It also sucks that we were only married for a year and 9 months and that I'm 29 and divorced. Divorce was never an option for me. What I am thankful for is my growth because of the divorce and also this pretty awesome book that I'm writing. I hope to help others not make the same mistakes I made and to make sure that God is a part of every decision I make in every aspect of my life.
My take home message for the day....
Despite my feelings of being unfulfilled I have to remember that I can do things on my time but on God's timing. God may not come or do things when you want Him but He is definitely on time. I am a living witness and testimony to that. I also don't allow my feelings to keep me from pushing forward. I know that one day that one day this too shall pass and I'll be blogging about the blessings from my God. :-) On some things I have to just step out on faith putting all fears aside and allowing God to get the glory in my endeavors. Go after your dreams and goals and let NO ONE stop you. Help others to their dreams and goals and watch God show out in your life. Remember that God will tell you no or not yet. Don't become angry but thank Him for His answer and praise Him in advance for what He's preparing your for and walk right into His will for your life.
Until tomorrow....Pray to be in God's will and that your dreams and goals are in lined with God's will for your life. Love you all and may God's peace and grace be upon you.
Doc J
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