Since I have begun to type my rough rough draft of my book, I thought I would share a small excerpt of some of my writings. Remember it is a rough, rough, rough draft lol. This is yet another vulnerable side of me, so I hope you enjoy.
As a kid, my family always told me that I was beautiful. I never once doubted them, until I got older that is. I mean of course your family is suppose to make you feel beautiful and will tell you that as well. I was a chunky lil thang. My family often called me biscuit because I was so "fluffy." It was considered to be healthy to be that size. I was never teased for my weight but because I was light skin with long hair. Go figure. When we moved from Bolton to Clinton, I started developing self esteem issues, mostly because of my weight. The girls in Clinton weren't big and the ones that were big, were teased. So I stopped eating. I wouldn't eat as much. I put myself on a diet in the third grade. Silly huh. Well as I got older, I started to slim down and by the 6th grade I was a stick figure. My family then nicknamed me Olive Oil, from the Popeye cartoon. I was happy being skinny until I realized that the young men didn't like skinny women. There were guys that liked me and I had a steady boyfriend throughout high school, who was just as skinny as I was as a matter of fact. There were guys that I liked but after talking a while I became "like a sister" to them. Bleh. So I started to pay attention to the type of girls they liked and of course it was the "thicka than a snicka" type young ladies.Sigh. So here I am trying everything in my power to gain weight. But because I was in every sport and after school activity known to man, my metabolism was ridiculous. No matter what I ate I couldn't gain a pound. I gave up! By the time I graduated high school I was a whopping 117 lbs and off to college I go.
When I began college, I devised a plan on how I was going to gain weight because I didn't like being skinny. I did a little research and found that if I took birth control pills I could gain weight. So guess what I did...you betcha. Sure enough by the end of first semester I was a sexy 140 lbs and I couldn't be happier. The funniest thing was that when I gained the weight, all the guys that called me their "sister" were now interested in me. Of course I turned them all down. I had received the best advice from an older cousin. He said, "you were beautiful when you were skinny, if they couldn't see your beauty then, then tell them to kick rocks." It didn't dawn on me that beauty was more than just appearance but who you are as a person. I developed a new self worth. If a guy didn't like me for who I was, then kick rocks. But I had another issue. I was such a tomboy. You couldn't pay me to wear a dress. I knew I had to get out of this mentality and start being a woman. I went out and changed my whole wardrobe. I started to wear dresses, capris, clothes that actually accentuated my body. I was actually starting to dress like a young woman and not a female jock. I had a self confidence out of this world. You couldn't tell me anything hunny! My only complaint was that my gluteus wasn't as maximus as I would like. I figured that would come as I got older because it was definitely in my genes. Now my problem was I kept attracting the wrong guys.
Fast forward to my marriage. I would often ask my husband what attracted him to me. You may wonder why I would ask my husband this. Well it was because I never felt like he was really attracted to me. I never felt wanted or desired by him. You know that look your parents give each other of love, affection, desire. I never felt that with him. To be honest, I didn't feel beautiful at all with him. People would always complement him on having a beautiful wife but that was it. He would tell me I was beautiful on occasions but for some reason I didn't believe him. It felt scripted. This diminishing of my confidence was heightened once I found out he was cheating. AND then I saw the women he was cheating on me with. They were not cute at all. I began to questioned what made them better than me. Was I not pretty enough? Was I too fat? Was I too skinny? Rather than blaming him for his indiscretions I began blaming myself, which was a recurring them throughout our marriage. By this time, my husband and I are separated and he had filed for divorce. Silly me still wanted to reconcile our marriage. I was still struggling with being a Christian and divorce. I asked him if he would do this marriage fitness program with me. He only agreed to participate if I would agree to sign the divorce papers. At the time I was willing to do anything to save our marriage, so I complied. We began the fitness program and he mostly just nagged and complained. Frustration was at an all time high for me. There was one particular activity where we had to say something nice about our spouse. I asked him to go first. And he just stares at me. I say "Soooo...." and he looks me dead in the face and says, "I'm trying to find something nice to say about you." My heart sunk. The he proceeds to say, "I used to like your hair and then you cut that off and now you have this big puff or whatever it is." Then he says, "You just look sloppy! So no I have nothing nice to say about you!" I held in my tears because I didn't want him to see how bad his words hurt. More came from this session but that will be discussed later on. Needless to say that was our last session and I had officially given up on our marriage.
I went home and cried so hard. How could the man that I chose to marry say such horrible things about me? I called my best friend and of course she gives me the "you're beautiful" pep talk. After we ended our conversation I went to the mirror and looked at myself. What happened to that confident woman that he had met just 3 years prior? I examined myself. "Girl you are 28 and look 12." Smile. "Girl look at your curly fro, women are paying for hair like that!" Smile "Girl your smile is beautiful and look at your skin! Cut up!" Smile. "Girl look at your curves! Women pay to have curves like that! We're gonna work on toning everything up but girl your body is banging!" Smile harder. I even chuckled a little after than. See sometimes when others try to kick you down you have to encourage yourself. "Girl not only are you beautiful on the outside but your inner beauty is the bomb! Your love people! You help people! And remember God loves you and thinks your are beautiful!" After my little pow wow with myself I began to examine how I had allowed my esteem to get so low and the source was my husband. Throughout our marriage he compared me to other women. He would say, "Your breast are starting to say. Your butt isn't big enough. I liked your hair better when you had a relaxer. You need to work on your stomach and tone up some." Nag nag nag! It was never ending complaints about my looks and what I didn't possess. I cried more because I didn't even realize that this was even happening to me, that I thought so little of myself. I made a vow to myself that day that I would never allow a man, woman or child define my inner/outer beauty. I am who I believe I am and that's all that matters. I love me for me and if someone can't accept that, then kick rocks.
Today's take home message......
I am still rebuilding because of my marriage and ultimate divorce but I'm enjoying the growing process. For the first time in years I'm reclaiming me and it feels great. Honestly, I forgive my ex husband. Sometimes we put others down for our own inadequacies or indiscretions But as a Christian woman I must forgive. He taught me a lot. He also taught me what to run away from in a man as well. LOL. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me a third time then I'm just a plain ole fool! Never allow anyone to define who you are or how you view yourself. Hold strong to your self image and let no one tarnish it or take it away. No one is ever totally happy with their looks but accept who you are and embrace it. Love YOU! If you don't love you, no one else will. And trust me, people can smell confidence a mile away! So be confident in your own skin and keep strutting along. Until tomorrow.....
Love,
Doc J
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