Hey gang! I often get questions about my ex like "have you heard from him?", "What is he doing now?", "do you hate him?" Etc etc.Well to answer those questions. I have heard from him. He is where he is lol. And no I don't hate him, well not any more. I forgave him. I'm going to be open and honest. Forgiveness did not come over night. I wanted to do all kinds of hateful things to him to get him back for how he hurt me. What kept me from doing something stupid like, oh say putting a Snickers bar in his gas tank, is a whisper from the holy spirit saying "vengeance is mine saith the Lord." During that time, friends and family were commending me for my strength but what they didn't know was that I had so much anger and hate brewing on the inside of me. I had all kinds of evil thoughts towards that man and the women that helped to destroy our marriage. I then turned this hatred from him to myself. I started to blame myself for his short comings and our ultimate divorce. I started questioning myself as to why and what I did wrong, what could I have done better. It was a very low point in my life. I started therapy, which helped tremendously, but I still had a hard time shaking the blame game on myself. The self hatred began growing as I realized that I could have avoided all of the hurt and pain. I knew from the beginning that he wasn't ready for marriage. So why did I go through it. Well as I look back I can finally answer that. I loved him. I thought he would change. I wanted to prove my father wrong that he was a good man and that he could be a good husband. It was a little bit of rebellion I guess you could say. The day I had a good ole fashion ugly snot cry was Whitney Houston's funeral. Lawd, that was a fune! Yes I was saddened by her death but when Donnie McClurkin got up there are started sanging...chile I lost it. That song spoke to my spirit and gave me strength. So after that I started writing and I started praying harder. It was through me writing that I realized it wasn't my fault and that it was ok that I made such a huge mistake. I had to make sure I never made it again. Writing also made me realized that I was much stronger than what I gave myself credit for. To have endured what I had gone through in that relationship and still have peace and my right mind is shear amazement and God. I started to grow but I still had not forgiven him. I really wanted him to suffer. As I was praying and reading the Bible, this verse hit me like a ton of bricks: For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15. And THEN this verse: And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. Mark 11:25. I had to forgive. I also didn't want to be that bitter divorced woman either. I knew that someday I would hope to remarry so I knew I had to get rid of this garbage before I entered into a new relationship.
Once I forgave him, I felt a burden being lifted off my shoulders. I began to walk in life with expectations. You become a slave to those you hate and I refused to allow him to have that much power over me any more. Once I forgave him, the true test came. My ex calls. I answer. He apologized and admits that he made a mistake. He wished he could go back and change things and if given the opportunity he would show his change. I didn't snap, I didn't get angry, I listened. I told him that I forgave him and that I prayed for him. I had reached a point where I wished nothing bad on him. I prayed that he got everything that he wanted in life. But I did say that I would rather choke on glass than to rekindle our relationship. *shrugs* I forgave and moved on.
What did I learn and what I hope you get from this:
Never marry someone with the expectation of change. If he's/she's a lying, cheating, snake in the grass when you're dating, he/she will be that x100 when you get married. People will treat as good/bad as you allow them to. Don't beat yourself up for mistakes and don't allow anyone else to do so either. We're human and entitled to them. It's ok to let go of people who are not good for you. Don't allow anyone to guilt trip you into staying in a relationship and/or friendship. Friends do outgrow one another. It happens. Finally, in order to truly be free, you must forgive. Forgiveness is essential to moving on and letting go. True forgiveness means to remember no more, to cast away. Plus I want a seat in the kingdom with my heavenly father so I'm not gonna let some peanut head keep me from that lol. Why speak on this now you ask? Well sometimes you have to reflect on your past to appreciate your future. If me having to go through all of the foolery to get to where I am now....it was worth it. I'm stronger, I'm more easy to forgive, and I have joy. Most importantly, I'm marrying the man I prayed for in 3 weeks. I couldn't be more thankful and honored.
Until tomorrow.....
Love,
Doc J
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